I am: Non-Binary 🏳️🌈
I am SK Shlomo and I am #NONBINARY 🏳️🌈
Now we’ve launched #BREATHE I am ready to talk about something important - my gender.
Over the past 2 years I have had a series of seismic shifts in my identity. I’m 38 and I realise that if I keep hiding who I am, it is disempowering.
But for now I feel ready, so here goes.
My gender: Non-binary.
I was assigned male at birth, but I am not cisgender - I am trans. Genderqueer. A person who fluctuates between traditional ‘male’ and ‘female’ gender based behaviours, presentations and identities. Genderfluid. I can have a beard and wear a bra. In certain spaces I present as male or masculine, as he/him. In other, safe enough spaces I am able to express the feminine side of myself, as they/them or she/her, and the sheer joy that comes from that fluidity is just beautiful.
I am increasingly finding more of those safe spaces. I have also unwittingly stepped over the boundaries into unsafe spaces. For example, being out by myself and being robbed by a pair of transphobic people who I guess found me too confusing to tolerate, and instead of asking themselves why, they decided that they should teach me what’s right by taking my bluetooth headphones.
I’m not even angry with the transphobes - they are in more pain than I am. And I am weirdly glad this happened, because I could learn from it.
I am learning to find safety in queer friendships and LGTBQIA+ communities, and how to find or create queer-safe spaces to express our true selves freely.
But the biggest learning is that, instead of retreating into shame as I used to, I can tell my story. That empowers me, and might even be a help to others.
For so long I didn’t realise gender or sexualilty is fluid: growing up you are told you are binary - a One or the Other. In or Out. From the age of pre-school we are flooded with messages that scream: if you have any sense, you’re straight. If you really want a life of being marginalised, you *could* choose to be gay, but you must choose now and then be branded forever, there’s nothing in between. Born with a penis? You’re a boy, and they’re the girls. You are literally to be segregated by wearing different uniforms and inhabiting different sides of a classroom. You must play different sports, have different toys, look different, smell different, speak differently, and behave differently.
Then if you comply, if you succeed in the quest to be a Good Boy, to never show any hesitation or ask any questions, someday you will receive your Ultimate Reward: You get to…
Be A Man.
Well, I believe this is toxic.
This toxic masculinity, or gender stereotyping of any form, is no longer welcome in my space, my house, my shows, my channels. Stigma around being ‘different’ is decimating our mental health. It is killing people - if you know me, you know I believe that suicide is the true pandemic.
We have lost too many friends for this to continue.
I grew up around toxic masculinity. Homophobia, misogyny, transphobia - I have participated in it. I have bullied, to fit in, to protect myself from bigger bullies, to deflect pain onto others when I was too scared to look at my own feelings. I have behaved in ways of which I am not proud. I have hurt people that I love by acting out, against my core beliefs, causing intense suffering.
I’m sorry for this. And I want to help make changes.
Starting with education. Diversion from the current western binary genders is not a new idea, this dates back millennia. Despite what older generations might say, gender diversity is not a new thing. Please be careful not to say “I can’t keep up with all these new terms”. Please don’t imply that someone exploring their gender is jumping on a bandwagon or should not be allowed to define their own place on a spectrum. Hold back if you feel that. Take a breath.
Ask people what their pronouns are. If you have never tried it, trust me it feels good. Have a little practice now. Just say silently in your head: “hey, what are your pronouns?”. It’s a kind and respectful thing to ask.
Don’t assume someone's identity without asking, and once they have told you, try to stick to it. Misgendering someone by accident happens a lot and that’s fine. But if you’re rejecting someone’s identity repeatedly or deliberately, maybe it’s time to take a breath and give yourself a bit of extra love. It took me a long time to admit it, but identity questions are scary - they create valid fears. It’s ok to be afraid. It doesn’t make you ‘bad’ or ‘gay’ or ‘weird’ or in danger.
But whatever happens, let’s keep talking.
To keep exploring my own identity, I’ve created a ‘Safe Space’ virtual community where people from all walks of life are already sharing and supporting each other in heartwarmingly beautiful ways.
If you’d like to, you can be part of this community where you can tell us your identity story, let us hold you, and help us to keep learning and growing together.
I’m not a cis-man, but I am still the same human, I’m still Shlo - but I’m the Shlo I was always meant to be: less scared to be real, and ready to show that person the love they deserve.
All my love,
Shlo x He/they
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Photo Credit:
IG: @willdolan.mp4 at @firewoodpictures
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#BREATHE #OwnYourLabel #NonBinary #YourTrueSelf #StandProud #IAM #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek #IAmWhole #LGBTQIA #Queer #Pride #Trans #Gender #Transgender #transphobia #homophobia #gay #toxicmasculinity #gendernorms #pronouns #suicide
